I think I am starting to really identify what slows me up
when I look at doing my work for ASL classes. I am not confident in my ability with the language.
Why? I am not confident in myself
to convey it [the language].
Looking over past reading assignments, I can see that I focus too much
on finding reasons for errors, which
Patrie reports (via Kussmaul) that such focus is appropriate for language learning. (CI Book, page 7-8) So either I don’t know the language –
which is doubtful since I have been learning, studying, and practicing ASL
since 2005 – or I am psyching myself out.
I think it is the latter.
A few of things could be happening to me. I could be having more seizures and therefore
struggling cognitively. I could be
experiencing more severe side effects from the Depekote which can cause severe
drowsiness, irritability, and depression, among other things – so I might be
unsure of myself because of that.
I could be focusing on the stigma and oppression of identifying as a
person with a disability, as compared to when I was younger and I didn’t
identify that way – being in an oppressed minority can cause depression, can it
not? I seemed to succeed more when
I was younger, but then I am studying a foreign language. Would it not be easier for me to study
something in my native tongue?
Maybe I am finally dealing with the sorrow of the loss of my Father,
which I was strictly instructed to put behind me and move on quickly. I really do miss him. Maybe I am tired of living with my
Mother and feeling I cannot assert my independence. Maybe I am just genuinely depressed apart from everything
else – I have been diagnosed as being “depressed” in the past.
Why do I base the worth of myself in what others say? I berate myself for any little thing
that is said negative about me. Why
do I fall apart when I am rejected by a romantic prospect? Why do I live in the past where all of
my sins are? I can’t move forward
if I am living this way, but I feel stuck.
I want so much to give up and say that I can’t do it because
of this, this, and that. It would
be easier that way. I am behind on
my schoolwork and it isn’t appropriate to utilize ADA accommodations for this,
is it? No, I highly doubt it. I just have to face my teachers and
accept the consequences for not being responsible.
Anyway, I focus far too much on what is wrong with my
signing, and I worry too much that I am going to screw up the
interpretation. I worry that I
won’t pass the certification exams.
I worry that, if I do become certified, I will somehow inadvertently
breach the interpreters code of ethics.
So, the main question here, aside from my psychological
status, is how do you go about determining the communicative function of the [miscue]? I read the example about President Carter’s interpreter and the grave errors
that s/he made during a visit to Poland.
I know that I won’t be doing anything that… (For lack of a better word) “…Important”
as I start of at the Novice level, but I am pretty sure I would die (literally)
if I knew that I had be the originator of such a serious miscue.
I am so… pardon my language, but I am so damn
over-analytical of myself… I really want to pursue a career in ASL interpreting,
but things like this make me wonder if can I handle it? What are the necessary adjustments I
need to make in order to do so?
Can I make those adjustments in a timely manner? Is it worth it? Really?
That’s all I can think about for now.
Audfairy88 over and out.
