Sunday, November 7, 2010

Still 'Hoping For You' and Missing Daddy

So, I was looking through my self-published poetry and there is a poem that was written about six months ago. The main thought about this poem, stayed the same, even though one of the inferred main characters has become faceless in my attempt to no longer remember he-who-must-not-be-named.

As a tangential, yet relevant, side-note, I was thinking about my Mom and Dad, I've noticed how much she misses him, how much it hurts her to not have him here with us. I know that we know the truthfulness of the gospel, that we will see him again, that he is in a better place. Though, it has almost been a year since his death, I feel lonelier than ever. I was thinking about Dad today, and how much things have changed - but yet not...

I sat in the pew today (two rows up from where I feel most comfortable) with Mom and Christine, it was strange, not having JoAnne with us this week (since she was still to brutally bruised from her car accident this last week), and again, it was still strange not having Dad there. I loved sitting next to him, smelling his aftershave, feeling the comforting texture of his suit coat, sharing stow-away candy with him, watching him play bubblet on his palm pilot that he had hidden behind a hymn book or sacrament program, hearing his soft dozing breaths...

I thought of him yesterday, as I attended the EAU conference and returned with a pin for his collection. Us girls joked that he wouldn't want to wear his Utah pins today since they lost poorly to TCU, but that he would wear the lavender pin on his suit coat to church and wear it proudly - he'd be happy to explain it to anyone who asked about it.


I've been thinking a lot about friendships, relationships, marriages, and families lately. I mean it's sort of hard not to when you are 21 years old, female, and go to school in Utah County. I am the maid of honor for an engaged friend and recently planned her bachelorette party. I'm a primary teacher in my ward, and I see dozens of young couples who look so happy together, some newlyweds, others with baby-bumps. I see growing families, where mom and dad look worn out, but they love each other and their children just the same. I see elderly couples who grasp each other's hand not only because they are affectionate, but because they are also taking care of the other person.

I feel like I'm missing out. Caught in the space of time between adolescence and adulthood. I mean, yes, I am of legal age - considered an adult. But it is that label "young single adult," where I am classified into living. It seems though, in local society, you aren't really an adult until you've gotten married and been married for at least a year.

Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely thrilled to be the maid of honor for my friend, I had a ton of fun planning her party, I love my little sunbeams, and it makes me smile to see couples together.

So what am I doing wrong? Probably complaining about it here isn't really helping much. I've heard the advice said that I need to be patient, live the way I'd want him (future spouse) to live, and do what I love to do - that he'll find me that way. But, what if he is thinking the same thing? What if he is being patient, living the way he'd want me to live, and doing what he loves to do? What if we are both just going through life waiting for each other to find the other person? What then?

Personally, as much as I appreciate feminism, I don't think it's the woman who should have to be searching for a man, why can't he search for me? And also, what has society come to that girls get excited about text messages and IMs? What happened to letters, phone calls, walks together and cheesy poems? What happened to emotion, feeling, and expressions?

Ah, well, "...someday my prince will come..."

Let me know what you think, and if you have any advice for me.

~Holly Elizabeth


Nett said...

Holly, you almost move me to tears when I read about your Dad. I am sorry he is gone for now, but I am comforted in the memories you have of him, painful as they may be at the time.

As for finding your never know when he will make his presence known so keep yourself open to the people (especially the men ;)) that you meet. I met my prince when I was 23 and working..I kept my head down and when I raised..he was there. Ignoring me. :)

Christine said...

Keep your perspective eternal - forever is a loooong time to be married! So what if you have to wait for a while in this existence - just a blink of an eye in eternity. Life *your* life now, do things you won't be able to do (or do as easily) when you're married and have kids, because once you're married, you'll be living a combination of lives with your husband and kids.

Easy for me to say... :)

Anonymous said...

Lots of times, the person you want the most, and are looking for, is not where you expect him to be. Just smile, you are such a beautiful girl! He will come for you, you are both not finding each other. You are probably both busy with your lives, not realizing that the person they want most, is right next to them. You will find him. Keep your head up, and remember, you are totally worth it!

Anonymous said...

Hey Holly!!! I am not I don't understand the feeling of rushing to married long before one has the chance to explore and experience life to the fullest. However, I understand the need to feel wanted and loved by someone else. It is hard to watch other happy couples and not being one of them. Easier said then done...but keep your head up and hang in there...prince charming will show hisself:)

Jaynee said...

I understand the feeling... and I have good advice on how to overcome it:

Act like you'll be single forever. Not in a depressing, mopey way, I just mean plan your life as if it's 100% yours... I realized a year ago it's silly to tailor my life around someone I don't even know yet. Plan a trip - save money and make serious plans to spend a month somewhere awesome in a couple years; plan on a Masters; plan on a Doctorate; delve into a career. Anything! Just dream big and live life to the fullest! Do things that you can control.

Of course you should consult your Heavenly Father, but I promise working towards something huge that you want and can control will help a lot. Maybe Prince Charming will come along and interfere after just a couple steps, but for now, it's you and the world. Tackle it! You'll be excited by and enjoy what you have now instead of by what you want to have someday. Just relish the time you have single I guess is what I'm saying. It won't last forever.:)

Beck said...

Oh sweetie, I so understand the pain of delayed blessings.
I agree with Jaynee. Make big plans and do it all. I wasted a lot of precious time worrying before Mimi came into my life when I could've accomplished some lifelong goals.
Go for it! You can do so much!

Aud Fairy said...

Ladies, thanks for all the advice and care that you've shared with me. I really do appreciate it. Thank you for your compliments and confidence. I know that life will only get harder before it get's easier and I know I can work through it.