Sunday, November 7, 2010

Still 'Hoping For You' and Missing Daddy

So, I was looking through my self-published poetry and there is a poem that was written about six months ago. The main thought about this poem, stayed the same, even though one of the inferred main characters has become faceless in my attempt to no longer remember he-who-must-not-be-named.

As a tangential, yet relevant, side-note, I was thinking about my Mom and Dad, I've noticed how much she misses him, how much it hurts her to not have him here with us. I know that we know the truthfulness of the gospel, that we will see him again, that he is in a better place. Though, it has almost been a year since his death, I feel lonelier than ever. I was thinking about Dad today, and how much things have changed - but yet not...

I sat in the pew today (two rows up from where I feel most comfortable) with Mom and Christine, it was strange, not having JoAnne with us this week (since she was still to brutally bruised from her car accident this last week), and again, it was still strange not having Dad there. I loved sitting next to him, smelling his aftershave, feeling the comforting texture of his suit coat, sharing stow-away candy with him, watching him play bubblet on his palm pilot that he had hidden behind a hymn book or sacrament program, hearing his soft dozing breaths...

I thought of him yesterday, as I attended the EAU conference and returned with a pin for his collection. Us girls joked that he wouldn't want to wear his Utah pins today since they lost poorly to TCU, but that he would wear the lavender pin on his suit coat to church and wear it proudly - he'd be happy to explain it to anyone who asked about it.


I've been thinking a lot about friendships, relationships, marriages, and families lately. I mean it's sort of hard not to when you are 21 years old, female, and go to school in Utah County. I am the maid of honor for an engaged friend and recently planned her bachelorette party. I'm a primary teacher in my ward, and I see dozens of young couples who look so happy together, some newlyweds, others with baby-bumps. I see growing families, where mom and dad look worn out, but they love each other and their children just the same. I see elderly couples who grasp each other's hand not only because they are affectionate, but because they are also taking care of the other person.

I feel like I'm missing out. Caught in the space of time between adolescence and adulthood. I mean, yes, I am of legal age - considered an adult. But it is that label "young single adult," where I am classified into living. It seems though, in local society, you aren't really an adult until you've gotten married and been married for at least a year.

Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely thrilled to be the maid of honor for my friend, I had a ton of fun planning her party, I love my little sunbeams, and it makes me smile to see couples together.

So what am I doing wrong? Probably complaining about it here isn't really helping much. I've heard the advice said that I need to be patient, live the way I'd want him (future spouse) to live, and do what I love to do - that he'll find me that way. But, what if he is thinking the same thing? What if he is being patient, living the way he'd want me to live, and doing what he loves to do? What if we are both just going through life waiting for each other to find the other person? What then?

Personally, as much as I appreciate feminism, I don't think it's the woman who should have to be searching for a man, why can't he search for me? And also, what has society come to that girls get excited about text messages and IMs? What happened to letters, phone calls, walks together and cheesy poems? What happened to emotion, feeling, and expressions?

Ah, well, "...someday my prince will come..."

Let me know what you think, and if you have any advice for me.

~Holly Elizabeth