Monday, October 8, 2012

Stuck on the “Error” of My Ways…

I think I am starting to really identify what slows me up when I look at doing my work for ASL classes.  I am not confident in my ability with the language. Why?  I am not confident in myself to convey it [the language].  Looking over past reading assignments, I can see that I focus too much on finding reasons for errors, which Patrie reports (via Kussmaul) that such focus is appropriate for language learning.  (CI Book, page 7-8) So either I don’t know the language – which is doubtful since I have been learning, studying, and practicing ASL since 2005 – or I am psyching myself out.  I think it is the latter. 

A few of things could be happening to me.  I could be having more seizures and therefore struggling cognitively.  I could be experiencing more severe side effects from the Depekote which can cause severe drowsiness, irritability, and depression, among other things – so I might be unsure of myself because of that.  I could be focusing on the stigma and oppression of identifying as a person with a disability, as compared to when I was younger and I didn’t identify that way – being in an oppressed minority can cause depression, can it not?  I seemed to succeed more when I was younger, but then I am studying a foreign language.  Would it not be easier for me to study something in my native tongue?  Maybe I am finally dealing with the sorrow of the loss of my Father, which I was strictly instructed to put behind me and move on quickly.  I really do miss him.  Maybe I am tired of living with my Mother and feeling I cannot assert my independence.  Maybe I am just genuinely depressed apart from everything else – I have been diagnosed as being “depressed” in the past. 

Why do I base the worth of myself in what others say?  I berate myself for any little thing that is said negative about me.  Why do I fall apart when I am rejected by a romantic prospect?  Why do I live in the past where all of my sins are?  I can’t move forward if I am living this way, but I feel stuck.       

I want so much to give up and say that I can’t do it because of this, this, and that.  It would be easier that way.  I am behind on my schoolwork and it isn’t appropriate to utilize ADA accommodations for this, is it?  No, I highly doubt it.  I just have to face my teachers and accept the consequences for not being responsible. 

Anyway, I focus far too much on what is wrong with my signing, and I worry too much that I am going to screw up the interpretation.  I worry that I won’t pass the certification exams.  I worry that, if I do become certified, I will somehow inadvertently breach the interpreters code of ethics.

So, the main question here, aside from my psychological status, is how do you go about determining the communicative function of the [miscue]?  I read the example about President Carter’s interpreter and the grave errors that s/he made during a visit to Poland.  I know that I won’t be doing anything that… (For lack of a better word) “…Important” as I start of at the Novice level, but I am pretty sure I would die (literally) if I knew that I had be the originator of such a serious miscue. 

I am so… pardon my language, but I am so damn over-analytical of myself… I really want to pursue a career in ASL interpreting, but things like this make me wonder if can I handle it?  What are the necessary adjustments I need to make in order to do so?  Can I make those adjustments in a timely manner?  Is it worth it?  Really? 

That’s all I can think about for now.

Audfairy88 over and out.

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