Thursday, December 6, 2007

Institute Boys - Part IV

Ok, so you have heard about how wonderful Tom is, you have heard about how much of a flirt he is and finally, you have heard about how he told me just recently that he has a girlfriend... and girls are supposed to be complicated?

So, yesterday was the last day of Institute and I was really surprised to see that Tom wasn't there. When the role came around I looked at his attendance history, which anyone can look at, and I saw that besides today, he had been to every single class from the beginning. So even though I decided that I am not going to pursue him it bothered me that he wasn't there. It wasn't like him to not come to institute. So then I started worrying about how maybe he was working on another assignment, or he was consoling some other needy girl. I sent him a text asking him where he was and it wasn't until 15 minutes before the end of class that he finally showed up.

Somewhat annoyed, somewhat relieved to see him I passed him a note, asking him where he had been and sure enough, he was settling problems between three of his admirers and his girlfriend. Apparently a cat fight had broken out just outside of the Wal-Mart where he works – since they had all come to see him at the same time... This doesn't surprise me in any way... I wonder if he likes that kind of attention.

Anyhow, after class, I was curious to know more about what happened with the girls. I relish a good cat fight story. ;) I should have just walked out. I don't get it, there is just something about him that draws me to him, some little quirk of his... So inevitably, we walked out of the class together, I was walking somewhat in front of him, as I didn't really want to walk next to him, if that tells you anything. We stopped at the balcony that overlooks the common area entrance and we looked at the view.

I had had a tough day, and I didn't feel good that day. So I suppose that it was me feeling a bit sick that caused some of the negative thoughts I was having that day. He was staring at me again, and he said to tell him what was wrong. Well, I didn't want to... there are just some things that don't need to be spoken about and there are some things that guys don't need to know about. But no! He pushed me and pushed me to tell him what was wrong with me.

My problem is that I get caught up in his kindness and sweetness, that it isn't until afterwards that I realize what I could have done to just get out of the situation. He is so freakin' confusing to me! He flirts with me, he was trying to tickle me yesterday – which purely annoyed me. He compliments me, saying that I am adorable and beautiful and that no man will ever be worthy of me. As much as I want to believe him and as much as I know that he is probably right, why is he, of all people, telling me this?

He has a handful of other girls after him and his own girlfriend to worry about. I don't like how he sacrifices his time that he could be working on things that he needs to get done – for example, his 6 page essay that he was supposed to be working on – and he talks to me why? Why does he even care about me if he already has a girlfriend, why does he take the time, when I know the he knows that I would rather that he would do what he needs to do other than what he feels obligated to do. Even though I know he is just trying to help, I didn't want his help, I don't like feeling like a pity project, just another one of his needy girls...

I think the thing that I don't like about him the most is that I feel like I am powerless when he is around me, like I have no say, that he is always right and why should I talk... he already knows what is wrong. Like yesterday, he looked into my eyes, even though they were diverted from his, and he told me how I was feeling and who I am and what I need, what I want – all in a general sense, but at the same time, it was like he was looking into my eyes and reading my thoughts. It is creepy! He brought many of the things that I have tried to push down and away up to the surface of my thoughts and I didn't like it! I felt intimidated and violated by it. He overwhelms me with so many different feelings that I felt like I was going to pass out after he left.

Anyway, I have talked with a few of you about this already... I am sort of glad that I won't have to see him again. He stressed me out too much.

Your comments are appreciated!
Love you all!

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